Dear Facebook... — Andrei Vasilachi

4 min read

Dear Facebook,

I heard you were shut down for a few hours today, causing some people to panic, others to laugh, and fewer to miss you. I think we all know something’s wrong. And no, it’s not me, it’s you.

There’s a huge elephant in the room that needs addressing.

So...anyways.

I wanted to let you know that in those few hours of bliss, I didn’t miss you at all. Here’s a few things off the top of my head that I didn’t miss:

1. I did not miss people’s stupid posts on shit I don’t even remotely care about.

2. I did not miss the endless fucking feed with the ever-increasing pages that I don’t even follow. Facebook, why? What’s the point of a „customized” feed if you keep pushing your ads and products and „specially curated” suggestions (which is just an euphemism for HEY BUDDY, IT’S 1984) without my choice that are so fucking creepy that I wonder if you know me better than I know myself?

3. I did not miss old people’s HUGE FUCKING ANIMATED STICKERS in the comments (old people, I like you, I really do, but please...stop that, it burns my eyes).

4. I did not miss political posts that are obvious clickbaits (and that have 798 comments with people arguing about shit THAT’S NOT EVEN IN THE ARTICLE BECAUSE THEY STOPPED READING AT THE TITLE).

5. I did not miss the random fucking stories being pushed into my face from people I don’t know and don’t interact with.

6. I did not miss the cringiest memes that have 80K likes on a single post.

7. I did not miss people’s emotional posts about their problems (there’s only so much info I can stuff into my stupid brain).

8. I did not miss the „HE PROPOSED, BUT LOOK AT HER REACTION” viral type of videos (again, I don’t give a fuck, not a single fucking fuck. Thanks).

9. I did not miss the really long posts that are so fucking long I almost give up halfway and they’re really boring and the author is writing with lowercase letters and there’s no proper punctuation and he can’t fucking stop rambling YET I FUCKING CARE BECAUSE I HAVE TO FINISH READING THE POST BECAUSE I ACCIDENTALY HIT LIKE so anyways I keep reading and then towards the end I almost think about deleting the fucking app and slamming my face on the wall but then someone starts interacting with me in the comments and I’m like „YES GIVE ME THAT DOPAMINE FACEBOOK YES SOCIAL VALIDATION” so I don’t delete it because the social engineering works (sorry for no punctuation, I hope your brain is fine).

10. I did not miss the dumb „comedy” sketches or „pranks” that pop up on my feed that are so dumb that I want to kill myself.

11. I did not miss the fucking notifications that SUCK MY BLOOD AND ZUCKERBERG IS DRINKING IT BECAUSE HE’S A DAMN LIZARD AND THE ALIENS HAVE CAPTURED HIM MAKING HIM DO THE BAD THINGS PLEASE HELP HIM MAKE IT STOP.

So anyways, Facebook, I did not miss you.

Fuck you sincerely,

Andrei.