Feeling Sorry for Yourself is a Dangerous Hobby
And this why you should drop it
7 min read
There is an innate tendency most of us have: feeling sorry for ourselves, especially when we have a reason to do so.
And oh boy do we have a lot of reasons to feel sorry for ourselves.
I mean, life is unfair, and if you look for it, you’ll always find a lot of bad things about it; and it’s only natural that we tend to feel like victims.
The problem, however, is when we’re not fully aware we’re doing it, when feeling sorry for yourself has become your second nature — that’s when you should ring the alarm bell.
“but Andrei, you don’t know my story, and you don’t know how tough it is for me”
Well, yeah buddy. Welcome to life.
If you really think about it: Everyone has a sob story.
Everyone has something they went through, or they’re going through now, something that challenges their confidence and sense of self. Something that makes them suffer.
True, not all suffering is the same. A person with an amputated leg that had two family members die of cancer is not nearly the same as someone who was fired from their job and their cat took a sh*t on their favorite pants.
But the psychological habit, the software in the brain — is the same.
Now, depending on the severity of the suffering the software may be more or less damaged, that is, someone might be in a bigger mental sh*thole than another, but even so, one thing we all have in common is something that we all have control of — what we think of what happens to us.
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”
— Marcus Aurelius
If you’re new to this, it may sound like some esoteric bullsh*t.
I get it, trust me, I’ve been there.
I used to be so cynical that I would dismiss even a small hint of this “change your perception” attitude.
But I’ve come to realize that the tragic part here is this:
You’re the most cynical precisely when you most need a change in perception.
And this is a very vicious cycle.
You should take this seriously.
It’s a deceptive trick our mind plays on us — to rob us of any ability to think clearly when we need it the most.
That’s why when you suffer, when you’re in that black hole that sucks you in more and more, you can’t bear hearing any “advice” from all these “positive” people telling you how to think.
Screw them! They don’t know, they CANNOT KNOW what I’m going through, can they?
Well, actually, they can. In general terms, they do know. You know why?
Because we all share our humanity with each other — we’re more the same than we’re different.
Sorry princess, you’re not that special.
We live on the same spectrum of humanity — some of us linger in the darker places — others may stay in the lighter ones for a while. But we’re never static, it’s not how we’re built.
Everyone of us moves up and down that spectrum, tasting bits of dark and light stuff.
The difference is, though, that the dark stuff is like an endless quicksand in which you can get stuck and from which is very hard to get out of.
The lighter stuff is like the refreshing rain after a hot summer day — it’s fast, momentary, and it goes away as fast as it came — leaving the place dry like it was before.
Humanity is on a spectrum, but we are pulled harder by the dark and we’re only occasionally sprinkled by the light. So naturally, we tend to be in darker places more often, or in other words, suffering is something a lot of us are accustomed to — it has become the norm.
When we attach ourselves to the norm, we identify with the norm, because we’re biologically predisposed to want to form an identity — any identity — even if it means we’re miserable and life sucks what’s the point anyway dude.
The irony is — like I talked about in a previous article — the self is an illusion.
But in the midst of being miserable, that misery is the only thing we know, that misery becomes our “self”.
And that’s when feeling sorry for yourself is not just a storm that comes and goes, but it becomes an occupation, a hobby. It’s something you just do, without thinking too much about it. You even masochistically enjoy it.
You’re not aware it’s happening, because to be aware is to be slightly detached from the self — to view the self as something that can be shaped and molded.
But you’re not detached because you can’t be, in that state that’s too much to ask. Feeling sorry is a hobby — a self-destructive hobby.
You tell your friends about your hobby:
“I tried writing a short story and I’m so bad at it man. I wish I had money and time to go to writing courses. I think I’ll give up on it because I suck so much haha.”
or
“I wish I was prettier. All these hot girls have it so easy, ugh, I’m so average.”
or
“Sorry for bothering you, I’m such a mess, I don’t know why I asked you for help.”
Then your friends listen to you and try to comfort you, maybe even laugh with you. But most of them won’t dare tell you the truth — that your hobby (feeling sorry for yourself) sucks and it won’t bring you any good.
That you should get your head straight and stop bringing yourself down. That it’s not looking good for you right now, but you can improve if you put some effort.
All the advice from above is uncomfortable to give — it makes for awkward conversations, the ones where you replace “feeling good” with cold hard truths. It’s even more uncomfortable to give them to yourself, because it’s so painful.
In essence, feeling sorry for yourself is about avoiding responsibility.
And we’re not really taught to be responsible today — from media, friends, or our lovers.
These days, it’s all about self-esteem and accepting yourself and eating ice-cream with chocolate chip cookies.
Responsibility doesn’t necessarily mean feeling good in the moment — but it sure means being fulfilled and proud of yourself in the long-term, because taking responsibility — first of all, for yourself — means being fully aware that how you act and think and react to whatever happens in your life is entirely up to you.
So if you suck, admit it, but don’t wallow in misery and complain about how tough you’ve got it. Do it if you feel like it, initially. But eventually, you will have to move on. You will have to work on yourself.
No one owes you anything. (Well, except for that guy that always asks for a pen and never brings it back, f*cking bastard.)
You owe it to yourself. Feeling sorry won’t get you far. It might give you some momentary comfort, and people may sympathize with you, but even they mostly do it because they want to feel comfortable themselves, because no one likes conflict.
-Did you watch the last season of *insert name of the show* on Netflix? It’s so amazing!
-I’m worthless, I failed again
-Oh, it’s okay man, don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine… so this new show, you should totally see it…
But conflict is necessary if you want to grow and if you want to encourage other people to get outside their own head and really start living.
Or maybe you don’t, maybe you enjoy seeing other people suffer you evil f*ck.
Good luck with that. But I know I don’t want to live in a world like that.
So stop patting your friend on the back every time he indulges into feeling sorry for himself. Give him some cold hard truths. Stop comforting him every single time. Shake him from complacency. Grab him by the cheeks and SLAP THE HELL OUT OF HIM BECAUSE HE NEEDS TO FEEL REAL FREEEEEDOOOOM!!
Okay, Mel Gibson, chill, that’s too much dude.